Down-and-out inventor

Woman: Have you ever had Russell Stover’s candy?

Me: Yeah.

Woman: It’s good. Pretty good. And cheaper than a lot of candy.

Me: Yup.

Woman: I gave them the idea for that.

Me: Really?

Woman: Yeah. For the sampler boxes. That was my idea.

Me: Wow.

Woman: I also gave restaurants the idea to put in free internet.

Me: Really?

Woman: Oh yes. I just know how much people love their computers so I said, “Why not put the internet in restaurants?” To make restaurants more money- if they don’t mind buying the internet, that is. It was my idea.

Me: Wow, that’s awesome.

Woman: But somebody took a lot of money out of my account. A lot.

Me: Oh. I’m sorry.

Woman: Yeah. (leaves)

Hope you’re doing okay, Russell Stover’s lady. 

True coffee snobbery

Lady: I’d like an Americano, please. But with two long shots instead of regular shots.

Me: I’m sorry, our machine is pre-set so I can’t do long shots.

Lady: You mean you can’t pull them by hand?

Me: I can, but I have no way of measuring them since our shot glasses broke.

Lady: You… don’t have any shot glasses? At all?

Me: Nope!

Lady: It’s just all… so… mechanical…

No! Knives over forks!

A man tried to convert me to veganism today. Here’s how it went:

Man: Have you ever tried being vegan?

Me: Haha, no… I like steak too much.

Man: Just for a week! You could probably do it!

Me: Ha, I know I could do it, it’s just not really my thing.

Man: You should really just try it- I bet you could do it for a weekend.

Me: It’s not really a question of whether I could or not! I just don’t want to…

Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses just leave their Watchtowers on the bulletin board after one “No.”

My rose still loves me!

There is a woman named Gloria who comes in every day and gets a cup of ice water. Nearly every day she comments on the coffee or the muffins and says, “I’ll have to try that some time…” She never does. And at least once a week she rummages through her coin purse and looks for coins because, “I want to tip you!”

“Put your money away, Gloria,” I say every time. “You just got water. You don’t need to tip me.”

Really, I’m scared that she’s not eating and she needs money to do that.

On Valentine’s Day, my husband brought flowers and chocolates to my work. There were 13 roses in our wedding vase, sitting on the counter.

“Oh! Would you look at those flowers!” said Gloria. Then, abruptly, “Can I have one?”

I was a little taken aback. It’s not every day that somebody asks you for your Valentine’s Day gift. “Well… sure!” I said, so I plucked one of the roses out of the vase with a little baby’s breath and wrapped it in a paper towel for her.

“Oh thank you!” she said. She smelled it and carried it out with her.

Now, every time she comes in, she gives me an update on the rose.

“My rose still loves me!” she says.

“That’s good,” I say. It’s been about two months since Valentine’s Day. My own roses wilted a long time ago.

“It is still so beautiful!”

“That’s good.”