True coffee snobbery

Lady: I’d like an Americano, please. But with two long shots instead of regular shots.

Me: I’m sorry, our machine is pre-set so I can’t do long shots.

Lady: You mean you can’t pull them by hand?

Me: I can, but I have no way of measuring them since our shot glasses broke.

Lady: You… don’t have any shot glasses? At all?

Me: Nope!

Lady: It’s just all… so… mechanical…

My rose still loves me!

There is a woman named Gloria who comes in every day and gets a cup of ice water. Nearly every day she comments on the coffee or the muffins and says, “I’ll have to try that some time…” She never does. And at least once a week she rummages through her coin purse and looks for coins because, “I want to tip you!”

“Put your money away, Gloria,” I say every time. “You just got water. You don’t need to tip me.”

Really, I’m scared that she’s not eating and she needs money to do that.

On Valentine’s Day, my husband brought flowers and chocolates to my work. There were 13 roses in our wedding vase, sitting on the counter.

“Oh! Would you look at those flowers!” said Gloria. Then, abruptly, “Can I have one?”

I was a little taken aback. It’s not every day that somebody asks you for your Valentine’s Day gift. “Well… sure!” I said, so I plucked one of the roses out of the vase with a little baby’s breath and wrapped it in a paper towel for her.

“Oh thank you!” she said. She smelled it and carried it out with her.

Now, every time she comes in, she gives me an update on the rose.

“My rose still loves me!” she says.

“That’s good,” I say. It’s been about two months since Valentine’s Day. My own roses wilted a long time ago.

“It is still so beautiful!”

“That’s good.”


Your own personal barista.

A woman was yelling, YELLING on her phone:

“You said you wanted coffee, so I’m at a coffee house! You could meet me here! I’ve got a barista! She’s, like, your own personal barista! Yeah! She’ll make whatever you want!”

Forget “your own personal Jesus,” Johnny Cash, what people want is their own personal barista!

Please just… don’t say that.

Me: Hi! What can I get for you?

Him: You don’t know by now?

Okay, buddy. First of all, I see you about once  per week. I recognize your face. I remember that once you brought a baby in here. But I see hundreds of people every day. Second, it’s Monday. Have a little decency. Third, you ordered a medium coffee. It is easily the least memorable drink on our menu. So no! I don’t know by now! If you want a list of regulars’ drinks I can rattle off from memory, go here.  I promise! I am a smart lady!