They’re called friends for a reason

Woman: Will you be working tomorrow?

Me: Nope!

Woman: Neither will I! Will I see you on Monday?

Me: Nope, I’ve got Monday off too.

Woman: Who’s taking your place? I hope it’s not that guy.

Me: I think it’s Dan.

Woman: Oh no! I hate Dan! He’s such an idiot!

Me: I think he’s nice.

Woman: He’s not nice! He’s a jerk!

Me: Well I like him. Have a good holiday!

Sheesh, lady! Don’t badmouth my friends!

Please just… don’t say that.

Me: Hi! What can I get for you?

Him: You don’t know by now?

Okay, buddy. First of all, I see you about once  per week. I recognize your face. I remember that once you brought a baby in here. But I see hundreds of people every day. Second, it’s Monday. Have a little decency. Third, you ordered a medium coffee. It is easily the least memorable drink on our menu. So no! I don’t know by now! If you want a list of regulars’ drinks I can rattle off from memory, go here.  I promise! I am a smart lady!

Only at my job

Man: Excuse me do you have any work I could do in exchange for some coffee or food.

Me: No, I’m sorry I’m not allowed to do that.

Man: Thank you. Do you have any writings to submit to my magazine.

Me: No. Um… not at this time. Sorry.

Man: Thank you. (flashes me the “Live long and prosper” sign. Walks out the door, talking to himself but I can hear, “I love rap music forever,” and continues to show me the “Live long and prosper” sign all the way past the big windows and out of sight.)