True coffee snobbery

Lady: I’d like an Americano, please. But with two long shots instead of regular shots.

Me: I’m sorry, our machine is pre-set so I can’t do long shots.

Lady: You mean you can’t pull them by hand?

Me: I can, but I have no way of measuring them since our shot glasses broke.

Lady: You… don’t have any shot glasses? At all?

Me: Nope!

Lady: It’s just all… so… mechanical…

No! Knives over forks!

A man tried to convert me to veganism today. Here’s how it went:

Man: Have you ever tried being vegan?

Me: Haha, no… I like steak too much.

Man: Just for a week! You could probably do it!

Me: Ha, I know I could do it, it’s just not really my thing.

Man: You should really just try it- I bet you could do it for a weekend.

Me: It’s not really a question of whether I could or not! I just don’t want to…

Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses just leave their Watchtowers on the bulletin board after one “No.”

Patent Pending

Man: (as I’m getting his coffee) Something just came to me! From outer space! Do you know how to make radiation into electricity?

Me: Um… nope.

Man: It just came to me! Radiation is just radicals with no neutrons or electrons to chase! You need to find a neutron beam and beam it into the radiation and then that will turn it into electricity! Just beam that neutron light into the radiation! That just beamed down to me from outer space!

Me: Wow!

Man: Yeah, these things just come to me sometimes and I tell people and then it gets invented! I had stuff come to me about black holes and other dimensions and stuff. And now it’s a new science! It’s not me- it’s beamed to me.