Down-and-out inventor

Woman: Have you ever had Russell Stover’s candy?

Me: Yeah.

Woman: It’s good. Pretty good. And cheaper than a lot of candy.

Me: Yup.

Woman: I gave them the idea for that.

Me: Really?

Woman: Yeah. For the sampler boxes. That was my idea.

Me: Wow.

Woman: I also gave restaurants the idea to put in free internet.

Me: Really?

Woman: Oh yes. I just know how much people love their computers so I said, “Why not put the internet in restaurants?” To make restaurants more money- if they don’t mind buying the internet, that is. It was my idea.

Me: Wow, that’s awesome.

Woman: But somebody took a lot of money out of my account. A lot.

Me: Oh. I’m sorry.

Woman: Yeah. (leaves)

Hope you’re doing okay, Russell Stover’s lady. 

Patent Pending

Man: (as I’m getting his coffee) Something just came to me! From outer space! Do you know how to make radiation into electricity?

Me: Um… nope.

Man: It just came to me! Radiation is just radicals with no neutrons or electrons to chase! You need to find a neutron beam and beam it into the radiation and then that will turn it into electricity! Just beam that neutron light into the radiation! That just beamed down to me from outer space!

Me: Wow!

Man: Yeah, these things just come to me sometimes and I tell people and then it gets invented! I had stuff come to me about black holes and other dimensions and stuff. And now it’s a new science! It’s not me- it’s beamed to me.

Your own personal barista.

A woman was yelling, YELLING on her phone:

“You said you wanted coffee, so I’m at a coffee house! You could meet me here! I’ve got a barista! She’s, like, your own personal barista! Yeah! She’ll make whatever you want!”

Forget “your own personal Jesus,” Johnny Cash, what people want is their own personal barista!

Only at my job

Man: Excuse me do you have any work I could do in exchange for some coffee or food.

Me: No, I’m sorry I’m not allowed to do that.

Man: Thank you. Do you have any writings to submit to my magazine.

Me: No. Um… not at this time. Sorry.

Man: Thank you. (flashes me the “Live long and prosper” sign. Walks out the door, talking to himself but I can hear, “I love rap music forever,” and continues to show me the “Live long and prosper” sign all the way past the big windows and out of sight.)

Tom Selleck?

Recently, a man has been coming in every day. Sometimes twice a day. An average conversation goes like this:

Him: Can I have a coffee?

Me: Sure. (gets coffee)

Him: You goin’ home to hubby?

Me: I will be soon.

Him: You go home to hubby. But don’t have no baby. Them babies cost 25,000 dollars.

Me: Okay.

Him: You make him good dinners, but don’t have no baby. No 25,000 dollars.

Me: Okay.

Him: Them’s Tom Selleck’s.

Me: Okay.

Him: See you later, (my name)!

Me: Bye!