Down-and-out inventor

Woman: Have you ever had Russell Stover’s candy?

Me: Yeah.

Woman: It’s good. Pretty good. And cheaper than a lot of candy.

Me: Yup.

Woman: I gave them the idea for that.

Me: Really?

Woman: Yeah. For the sampler boxes. That was my idea.

Me: Wow.

Woman: I also gave restaurants the idea to put in free internet.

Me: Really?

Woman: Oh yes. I just know how much people love their computers so I said, “Why not put the internet in restaurants?” To make restaurants more money- if they don’t mind buying the internet, that is. It was my idea.

Me: Wow, that’s awesome.

Woman: But somebody took a lot of money out of my account. A lot.

Me: Oh. I’m sorry.

Woman: Yeah. (leaves)

Hope you’re doing okay, Russell Stover’s lady. 

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True coffee snobbery

Lady: I’d like an Americano, please. But with two long shots instead of regular shots.

Me: I’m sorry, our machine is pre-set so I can’t do long shots.

Lady: You mean you can’t pull them by hand?

Me: I can, but I have no way of measuring them since our shot glasses broke.

Lady: You… don’t have any shot glasses? At all?

Me: Nope!

Lady: It’s just all… so… mechanical…

No! Knives over forks!

A man tried to convert me to veganism today. Here’s how it went:

Man: Have you ever tried being vegan?

Me: Haha, no… I like steak too much.

Man: Just for a week! You could probably do it!

Me: Ha, I know I could do it, it’s just not really my thing.

Man: You should really just try it- I bet you could do it for a weekend.

Me: It’s not really a question of whether I could or not! I just don’t want to…

Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses just leave their Watchtowers on the bulletin board after one “No.”

Nutty

A man grabs a biscotti out of a jar with his bare hands before I could offer to get it for him. Here’s how the rest of the encounter goes…

Me: Hi…!

Man: Does this have nuts?

Me: (can’t see which kind he’s holding) Probably. They pretty much all have nuts.

Man: Oh. I don’t want nuts (tries to put it back).

Me: No! No! You can’t put that back, sir, because you’ve touched it! You’re going to have to buy it!

Man: Oh. Okay. (looks at other biscotti) Oh man, there’s the one I wanted- the Chocolate Almond.

Me: That has nuts too.

Man: Does it?

Me: It’s called “almond.”