Down-and-out inventor

Woman: Have you ever had Russell Stover’s candy?

Me: Yeah.

Woman: It’s good. Pretty good. And cheaper than a lot of candy.

Me: Yup.

Woman: I gave them the idea for that.

Me: Really?

Woman: Yeah. For the sampler boxes. That was my idea.

Me: Wow.

Woman: I also gave restaurants the idea to put in free internet.

Me: Really?

Woman: Oh yes. I just know how much people love their computers so I said, “Why not put the internet in restaurants?” To make restaurants more money- if they don’t mind buying the internet, that is. It was my idea.

Me: Wow, that’s awesome.

Woman: But somebody took a lot of money out of my account. A lot.

Me: Oh. I’m sorry.

Woman: Yeah. (leaves)

Hope you’re doing okay, Russell Stover’s lady. 

Tom Selleck?

Recently, a man has been coming in every day. Sometimes twice a day. An average conversation goes like this:

Him: Can I have a coffee?

Me: Sure. (gets coffee)

Him: You goin’ home to hubby?

Me: I will be soon.

Him: You go home to hubby. But don’t have no baby. Them babies cost 25,000 dollars.

Me: Okay.

Him: You make him good dinners, but don’t have no baby. No 25,000 dollars.

Me: Okay.

Him: Them’s Tom Selleck’s.

Me: Okay.

Him: See you later, (my name)!

Me: Bye!

That’s not even politically correct, sir!

Man comes in. He is least Asian-looking person I’ve ever seen. His native language is American English.

Him: Doyehtekosmenrmon?

Me: I’m sorry?

Him: Do yeh tekosoirjs mon?

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.

Him: Do you take Oriental money?

Me: Oh! Oriental money! No. No I’m sorry, we only take American money.

He leaves, disgusted.