The end of the world…

The window washer came in way early, before the store got crowded. We started talking:

Him: I just have an addictive personality. I was on drugs for a long time,  you know? But now I’m clean.

Me:  That’s great.

Him: Yeah, and then it was gambling… since I was clean I got this job and I didn’t know what to do with all the money I was getting so I just went to the casino. It was stupid.

Me: Yeah.

Him: So I quit gambling.

Me: Good!

Him: Now I’m really addicted to end-times prophecies. Like, doomsday stuff. You think zombies don’t exist? Wait until some cataclysmic event happens and those junkies haven’t had a fix in a few days. I’ve got a 3-bedroom apartment. One for me, one for canned food, and one for ammo.

Me: Yeah! Yeah… I mean… you’ve gotta be ready.

Cravings

A harried man and his pregnant wife came in yesterday.

I have never felt so sorry to be out of Pumpkin Spice syrup.

Morning Greeting

How often do you get to start your day with the phrase, “Sir, you’re going to have to either put a shirt on, or leave.”?

Lemon Pound Cake

Lady: (holds up a piece of lemon pound cake) What’s this?

Me: Lemon pound cake.

Lady: What does it taste like?

Me: (wracking my brain) Like… lemon… pound cake.

Lady: (sighs sadly) Oh. (puts it down)

Fat Talk

Yesterday:

Man walks in to use our sink. He’s a painter next door. I’m eating biscotti and drinking coffee.
Man: That stuff’s fattening.
Me: (smiles) I know.
Man: You should watch how much you eat. You don’t want to get fat.
Me: (stunned)

Today:

Same man walks in. I’m drinking tea. No biscotti.
Man: You’re not eating today.
Me: Nope, I haven’t had time.
Man: Good.
Me: Well, I plan on eating breakfast later.
Man: Be careful with that! You have a nice little figure. You don’t want to lose that.
Me: Sir, I’ve been eating breakfast my whole life. I’m not gonna get fat now.