My rose still loves me!

There is a woman named Gloria who comes in every day and gets a cup of ice water. Nearly every day she comments on the coffee or the muffins and says, “I’ll have to try that some time…” She never does. And at least once a week she rummages through her coin purse and looks for coins because, “I want to tip you!”

“Put your money away, Gloria,” I say every time. “You just got water. You don’t need to tip me.”

Really, I’m scared that she’s not eating and she needs money to do that.

On Valentine’s Day, my husband brought flowers and chocolates to my work. There were 13 roses in our wedding vase, sitting on the counter.

“Oh! Would you look at those flowers!” said Gloria. Then, abruptly, “Can I have one?”

I was a little taken aback. It’s not every day that somebody asks you for your Valentine’s Day gift. “Well… sure!” I said, so I plucked one of the roses out of the vase with a little baby’s breath and wrapped it in a paper towel for her.

“Oh thank you!” she said. She smelled it and carried it out with her.

Now, every time she comes in, she gives me an update on the rose.

“My rose still loves me!” she says.

“That’s good,” I say. It’s been about two months since Valentine’s Day. My own roses wilted a long time ago.

“It is still so beautiful!”

“That’s good.”




A man grabs a biscotti out of a jar with his bare hands before I could offer to get it for him. Here’s how the rest of the encounter goes…

Me: Hi…!

Man: Does this have nuts?

Me: (can’t see which kind he’s holding) Probably. They pretty much all have nuts.

Man: Oh. I don’t want nuts (tries to put it back).

Me: No! No! You can’t put that back, sir, because you’ve touched it! You’re going to have to buy it!

Man: Oh. Okay. (looks at other biscotti) Oh man, there’s the one I wanted- the Chocolate Almond.

Me: That has nuts too.

Man: Does it?

Me: It’s called “almond.”

Patent Pending

Man: (as I’m getting his coffee) Something just came to me! From outer space! Do you know how to make radiation into electricity?

Me: Um… nope.

Man: It just came to me! Radiation is just radicals with no neutrons or electrons to chase! You need to find a neutron beam and beam it into the radiation and then that will turn it into electricity! Just beam that neutron light into the radiation! That just beamed down to me from outer space!

Me: Wow!

Man: Yeah, these things just come to me sometimes and I tell people and then it gets invented! I had stuff come to me about black holes and other dimensions and stuff. And now it’s a new science! It’s not me- it’s beamed to me.

Your own personal barista.

A woman was yelling, YELLING on her phone:

“You said you wanted coffee, so I’m at a coffee house! You could meet me here! I’ve got a barista! She’s, like, your own personal barista! Yeah! She’ll make whatever you want!”

Forget “your own personal Jesus,” Johnny Cash, what people want is their own personal barista!